MC: Phoebe. Help me.
PM: Shoot!
MC: I fled London two weeks ago. I must admit, it all felt a little bit exciting as my train pulled out. Sort of like the last ark leaving planet Earth in a Luc Besson film. And that means Iโm back with my parents, playing PS4 and being a teenager. But it also means Iโve retreated into teenage habits, and teenage skincare in that there is no skincare.
PM: Ah, thinking of skincare at a time like this. You are to me, a beauty editor, as what The Girl With A Pearl Earring was to Johannes Vermeer before he smoothed her warts with oil paints. Whatโs on your shelf, or not as the case may be?
MC: I donโt have warts. But I do currently look like a jacket potato, slowly baking in the warm glow of a Yorkshire housewifeโs tropical central heating. Iโm a bit pale, a bit dry, and a bit scabby. Iโve pilfered my mumโs stash of The Ordinary but not sure Iโm using it right.
PM: Aha. I will do my utmost to transform you into a sweet, fluffy potato housed in a glowing, uniformly textured jacket potato. Please load your internet browser.
MC: Iโm locked in, sunshine!
PM: An elaborate skincare routine is where itโs at right now. Not least on your bi-weekly work Zoom, where glowing skin is the new status symbol. (Forget the cylindrical wine cellar thatโs rising from your CEOโs cellar come Quarantini hour). To begin, we cleanse.
MC: Cleanse…
PM: That thing where you rub a bar of soap on your face, except youโre not rubbing, youโre gently sweeping in overlapping circles, working systematically around your face. And itโs not soap, itโs Dr Barbara Sturm Cleanser, ยฃ45. And youโll need a muslin cloth, Muz.

MC: *Googles muslin cloth*. Cleansing. Okay, I can cleanse. I can muslin cloth, too.
PM: Next up, get yer mamโs The Ordinary Salicylic Acid 2% Solution, ยฃ4.20, which gets rid of spot-causing bacteria. Remember: Active ingredients (of which salicylic is one) should be applied early in the layering process so that it can penetrate deep into skin and do its thing.

MC: And is there anything to boost skin thatโs locked indoors all day?
PM: Is there! Vitamin C. Think of Clinique Superdefense SPF 40 Multi-Correcting Gel, ยฃ42, as Sunny D for your skin. That luminous liquid of yore, just without all the sugar. Plus gel textures are a light and cooling antidote to the greenhouse you call home.

MC: And something for hydration? Because my skin is Saharan: an oasis in a desert, just without the oasis part.
PM: Thatโs where hyaluronic acid comes in. A nifty molecule that holds up to 1000 times its weight in water. It floods the dehydrated, deflated bits with moisture – the very thought is gratifying. Peter Thomas Roth Water Drench Hyaluronic Cloud Serum, ยฃ56, will have you admiring yourself in the mirror on the stairs, pressing at your newfound plumpness.

MC: So Vitamin C, hydration, a cleanse. These all sound like very healthy things. What next?
PM: Then youโve gotta lock it all in with moisturiser.
MC: Whatโll cut through my parentsโ climate changing central heating?
PM: Avene Hydrance UV-Rich Hydrating Cream SPF 30, ยฃ11, is cheap but very cheerful. And thereโs SPF, which is needed every day, but especially now mercury is rising. And yes, even if youโre indoors with no way out โ UVA rays penetrate glass, and in turn your skin! If in doubt supplement with a misting of La Roche-Posay Anthelios Invisible Face Mist SPF 50, ยฃ14.
MC: Any last tips for a novice like me that has only just understood the importance of suntan lotion?
PM: Yes! I know youโre partial to a nightcap, so let me introduce you to retinol. Best before bed, because skin goes into an intense regeneration phase while you sleep.
MC: A what-i-nol?
PM: Itโs a vitamin A derivative which is a powerhouse ingredient that works on everything from tone and texture to lines and wrinkles. Medik8 r-Retinoate Youth Activating Cream Intense, ยฃ210, pays dividends that far surpass a hangover. You will pray to the skincare gods that such sorcery exists โ youโll think, ah, what a time to be alโฆ

MC: Good job that Iโm not paying for my own food bill: this seems like a far more noble investment.You have saved me. Once this is all over, I shall embrace you, and youโll feel the blessed cheek of a seraphim angel upon yours.
PM: Go in a caterpillar, come out a butterfly and all that. Catch you on the flipside.
First published on Buro247.com.
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